Total Hero Team

by MJ Hibbett (and Steve)

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about

A two-man rock opera about superheroes, adapted from the stage show featuring MJ Hibbett (and Steve). More information can be found at www.totalheroteam.co.uk

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released February 28, 2014

Written by MJ HIbbett
Performed by MJ Hibbett (and Steve)
Original artwork by John Allison (www.scarygoround.com)

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about

MJ Hibbett & The Validators UK

MJ Hibbett & The Validators have performed live on Radio One, had a Record Of The Year in Rolling Stone, an Album Of The Day on 6Music, released one of the first ever viral videos, toured the UK and Europe, featured in an Edinburgh Fringe Festival show, and recorded a science fiction rock opera, all while maintaining their complete independence from outside record labels. ... more

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Track Name: Total Hero Team
Total Hero Team
Total Hero Team

Fighting for freedom
All over the world
If you cry out for justice
Then your cries will be heard by the

Total Hero Team
Total Hero Team
Flying and Fighting
Very exciting
Total Hero Team

Using our powers
In the fight against crime
If it's naughty o'clock then
It's a quarter past time for the
Total Hero Team!

Total Hero Team
Total Hero Team
No-one is braver
We're here to save you
Total Hero Team

We're like a super John Lewis
We're even Nicer than toast
Subsidised cafeteria
And we'll sign for your post
In the

Total Hero Team
Total Hero Team
We're chartered employers
Please come and join us –
Total Hero Team

Many members we have had
But they never seem to last
They come and go like office biros
For instance - Captain Terrific got demoted
The Exploding Girl Exploded
Mr Pyrotechnic, he caught fire- oh!
Mrs Monster went all weird
The Invisible Boy disappeared
The Immortal Man – died
We've lost more staff than G4S
So we're recruiting, yet again

Previous applicants need not apply
For the...

Total Hero Team
Total Hero Team
No-one is braver
We're here to save you
Total Hero Team

Our records are updated
We've re-checked all the files
Your CV's been uprated
And you're now qualified
For the

Total Hero Team
Total Hero Team
Get HR alerted
You get to work in
Total Hero Team!
Track Name: My Secret Origin
Your Secret Origin
It's how your Superhero Story begins
Your secret O-O-O-O-Origin

For example: You could be born from an egg on a mountaintop
The funkiest monkey that had ever been popped
You could fall into a cauldron when you were very small
Growing up in a village in Ancient Gaul

Your Secret Origin
It's how your Superhero Story begins
Your secret O-O-O-O-Origin

You could be shot in a rocket when your planet exploded
Or live in a Matrix but only you knows it
Be a secret agent or a private detective
I was bitten by a flag that was radioactive

My Secret Origin
It's how my Superhero Story begins
My secret O-O-O-O-Origin

It needs to be a story that's action packed
But underlying everything be slightly sad
When people see you in costume they will ask why
Do you need to dress up like that when you're fighting crime?
Couldn't you just be a policeman or something?

And you'll say no: because
With great power comes great responsibility
I'm sworn to save a world that fears and hates me
Criminals are a superstitious cowardly lot
It's what I'm programmed to do. I am a robot.

That's my secret origin
It's how my Superhero Story begins
My secret O-O-O-O-Origin
My secret O-O-O-O O-O-O-O O-O-O-O O-O-O-O Origin
Track Name: Chester Champion, Legend Of Lancs
They call me Chester, Chester
I'm not from Leeds or Leicester
I'm not from Bournemouth, Bath or Birmingham (no sir!)
I hear that London's very nice, and I like the Isle Of Wight
But I am Chester Champion, Legend Of Lancs!

Now if the planet is in danger
Call The Total Hero Team
They're marvellously strong and they can fly!
But if they've shut the factory
Or you cat's stuck up a tree
There's only one thing that the folks around hear cry:

They call for Chester, Chester
He's not from Leeds or Leicester
He's not from Bournemouth, Bath or Birmingham (no sir!)
We hear that London's very nice, and we like the Isle Of Wight
But we want Chester Champion, Legend Of Lancs!

He hasn't got the x-ray vision
But he's got a lovely smile
He's cheeky but he's got a heart of gold!

So if your chip pan is a-flame
Go on then, call my name
I'll come round and put it out and make the tea!

They call me Chester, Chester
I'm not from Leeds or Leicester
I'm not from Bournemouth, Bath or Birmingham (no sir!)
I hear that London's very nice, and I like the Isle Of Wight
But I am Chester Champion, Legend Of Lancs!
Track Name: We're Not Thieves, We're Connoisseurs
We're sampling the contents of this shop
And if we like them then we'll say so on our blog
The shop will thank us when all of our friends
Come around and clear it out of stock again

We're not thieves, we're connoisseurs
Sampling the contents of the world
And when you say that we should pay
We will laugh in your face
Har! Har! Har!

Cos Tesco and Sainsbury rip us off
So it must be the same for this here village shop
They all have a huge mark-up, they're all dead rich
I saw somebody prove it on a facebook link

We're not thieves, we're connoisseurs
Sampling the contents of the world
If they ask for a living wage
We will laugh in their face
Har! Har! Har!

The world has changed, don't you know it?
This financial model is outmoded
I'm not to blame for their closure
We gave them valuable exposure

Instead of complaining that they're poor
Why don't cornershops go out on tour?
Everyone'd love it, it'd totally work
I'd definitely come and buy a t-shirt
About the shop
From another shop
Next to the shop
It's all just about shops really.

We're not thieves, we're connoisseurs
Sampling the contents of the world
And if you try to regulate
We will laugh in your face
Har! Har! Har!

Up yours!
Track Name: The Massive Banker
I used to be a wealthy man
Until one day I thought
How can I justify earning
A 100 times the norm?
I meditated on it and
Eventually realised
The only moral thing to do
Was to increase my size

So I grew up to 600 feet
And if you do the maths
You'll find that now my bank account
Is equal to my mass

Now I am a Massive Banker
I'm incredibly huge
I am a Massive Banker
I'm looking down on you

Of course I needed more cash now
Just to support myself
But I found that I could take it
From everybody else
And as you all got smaller
Well come on, what's a guy to do?
The income gap was changing
So I grew and grew and grew

But I found the bigger that I got
The tinier I felt
Money wasn't enough anymore
I wanted power as well

So being a Massive Banker
I bought all your MPs
And I grew a mile higher
When I purchased the police

Now I am so high up
That I can't see you down there
But you can see The Massive Banker
Everybloodywhere!

Oh I am a Massive Banker
I've never been so huge
I am a Massive Banker
And I'm here to stamp on you!
Track Name: It Only Works Because You're Here
The phone rings nine times
Before he says 'Yes'
She's got a problem with Internet Explorer
And he's the Computer Desk
He waits and takes the lift to her floor and says
'Show me the problem then'
She's mildly mortified to find
That everything's working again
She flushes bright pink, which he thinks is wonderful
She feels like such a fool and so she says

It only works because you're here
Before you came it was broken
It only works because you're here
You've got my windows to open

Weeks pass and that's that
Until he gets in late one day
To see she's been and posted a
Post-It Note onto his screen that says
'Could you pop up when you've got a minute?'
He runs up five flights of stairs
To find her computer rebooting
And main site IT guy sat in her chair
He's red-faced and out of breath, which she thinks is wonderful
She knows he wanted to help her and so she says

It only works because you're here
Before you came it was broken
It only works because you're here
You've got my windows to open

So he pops in to see her when he's passing
And also when he's not
She's fairly sure that he feels something for her
But she can't say exactly what
He's nervous and he's shy
And that's part of the reason why
She likes him
But the vague chance of romance is not enough
Reason for her to stay
He can't believe it when he hears that she's leaving
From her whip-round wielding PA

There's not enough room on the card to fit
All the words that burn in his heart
She's leaving
It's horrible - he doesn't know what to do
Until at her leaving do he puts his hand to his heart and he says

It only works because you're here
Before you came it was broken
It only works because you're here
You've got my windows to open

She says 'Well you've left it a bit bloody late'
'So let's not waste time now - I think you're GRATE'
They kiss, crowd cheers
Main site IT guy goes home in a flood of tears
Track Name: Get Over It
Get over it, Get over it
The only person being punished by your principled position is you
Get over it, Get over it
And you'll find yourself supplied with a pile of better things to do

I wasn't always the macho hunk of sheer beefcake you see before you now
At school I was a little fat kid, PE was a weekly hell
And so I threw myself into books, I sneered at those who played games
I put myself above them, resolved that I would hate it forever
But then, in 1996
I realised what I'd missed
I'd denied myself the fun of sport
The excitement, the drama, and so, in short

I got over it, got over it
Gazza's goal against the Scottish made my snobbish suppositions subside
I got over it, got over it
Gary Linekar's my guru, Stuart Pierce opened up my mind

I used to say I didn't like curry, I thought it was disgusting and weird
Then found out it wasn't supposed to have sweetcorn, bananas, sultanas – that's just how my mum made it
Taxis, Restaurants, Jaffa Cakes, Dishwashers and The Smiths
Were things I expressed disdain for, when the truth of the matter was this
I might have claimed high principals
But at the end of the day
I wasn't being moral or ethical
I was just afraid

So I got over it, Got over it
And decided that denying the delights of life is frankly daft
I got over it - and now I'm over it
I don't let the future be deflected by the crap that happened in the past

In the words of Sir Ludwig Guttmann, founder of the Paralympic games:
This sitting around feeling sorry for youself is no good. Cut it out! Or to put it another way:

Get over it, Get over it
The only person being punished by your principled position is you
Get over it, Get over it
And you'll find yourself supplied with a pile of better things to do
Get oooover it!
Track Name: I'm So Much Cleverer Than You
I bet you didn't realise the world is run by people who are rich
I bet you didn't know that rampant sexism continues to exist
But I did
Because I'm so much cleverer than you

I bet you think that global warming's something that's going to go away
I bet you think that overall the world will all turn out to be OK
But I don't
Because I'm so much cleverer than you

I bet you really like Religion
I bet you trust all politicians
I bet you think that the police care about you
I bet you phone-in for competitions
I bet you've got a television
I bet you think newspapers only tell the truth

I'm sure this is all a surprise
I must have blown your tiny mind
I know my insight is original and new
But now you know the world is sad
You'll know you've no reason to laugh
And most of all, you'll know I'm cleverer than you
I'm so much cleverer than you!
Track Name: Humans Prepare To Die
Humans! Prepare to die!
Let's wipe out homo-sapiens
When we end all organic life
The world will be much happier
So humans! Prepare! To Die!
(the way to end all wars is)
Humans! Prepare! To Die!
(let's coat the world with corpses now)
Death to the fleshy ones!
Please put down your weapon, you have 20 seconds to comply
I've seen things you people wouldn't believe
Hasta la vista baby
Track Name: Come On Pussy
If you see a little kitty sitting in a tree
Don't call 999, no, call me
I won't need a ladder. It won't take long
All I need's me ukulele and this perfectly innocent song.

Come on pussy, down you come
If you want a little milk then I will give you some
It's all very safe - I've got my hard hat!
Come on pussy cat!

When I see a little kitty, well I can't resist
I want to stroke that moggy 'til I sprain me wrist
You know I've got a special treat for every stranded cat
And they'll get if they come and sit upon my lap

Come on pussy, down you come
If you want a little milk then I will give you some
It's all very safe - I've got my hard hat!
Come on pussy cat!

A lady friend of mine rang up and said "Come Quick!"
She'd been dragging at her tabby with a walking stick
I said that'll never do it, you're much too rough
So I went and plucked her out using me gentle touch

Come on pussy, down you come
If you want a little milk then I will give you some
It's all very safe - I've got my hard hat!
Come on pussy cat!

Did somebody mention a paulo catulus?
Why, it's Boris Johnson!

I'm the Mayor Of London and all day I sit
In my splendid office thinking about Dick
Whittington my hero, the best Mayor Of All
He was famous for his pussy, and his Lord Mayor's Balls!

Come on pussy, down you come
If you want a little milk then I will give you some
It's all very safe - I've got my hard hat!
Come on pussy cat!
Track Name: Control Alt Delete
Control Alt and Delete
They're the only buttons that you need
If you get blue screen of death
Stretch your hands apart and press
Control Alt and Delete

It's a secret known to a small lucky few
For looking clever when you haven't got a clue
Say "I see your problem" then
Apply the Helpdesk's brand of ZEN
Control Alt Delete

If machines receive malign intelligence
We've one last way of mounting a defence
If they act like they're above us
And start acting silly buggers
Control Alt and Delete

Control Alt and Delete
They're the only buttons that you need
If your screen should ever freeze
The de-icer that you need is
Control Alt and Delete

Control Alt and Delete
They're the only buttons that you need
If you get blue screen of death
Stretch your hands apart and press
Control Alt and Delete
Track Name: I Want The World To Stop
I'd like the world to stay
How it is right now
I was happy here today
But I don't know about tomorrow
I can't imagine ever feeling
Quite this safe
I want the world to stop

You say that things must change
But I don't see why
I like the world this way
Why'd you want to go and spoil it?
I can't imagine ever feeling
More than this
I want the world to stop

Don't bring me songs by bands that I have never heard of
Don't give me politicians born after I was
Don't want to learn to use a new type of computer
Give me a world that's stopped

I'd like the world to stay
How it is right now
I never want to face
An unfamiliar tomorrow
I wish I had your faith
There might be more than this
But all I want's the world to stop
Track Name: Chester Champion (reprise)
The reprise version came about because I needed a song for Tony and Desmond to sing explaining their new plans, and thought a REPRISE would be emotionally fitting. I'm not sure this was necessarily the best song to re-do, but it does do the job. The only real down side was that writing the last line cost me fifty quid to register the domain name. Why not look it up and see what's there?
Track Name: Do It Yourself
What's the point in wasting time, waiting to be discovered
Auditioning for the future, desperate for the Judges smile?
Finally I've realised that I should not have bothered
From now on I'm gonna do whatever I like
I've decided not to wait for anyone's permission
I've decided not to care if no-one gives a toss
I've decided not to base any more decisions
On the opinions of the boss

I've listened to my heart
It says: the only way to start is to start
So let's start:

We're gonna do-do-do-do do it ourselves
We're gonna do-do-do-do do it ourselves
Don't need a sponsorship deal
Because we're keeping it real
We're gonna do it - do it ourselves

When Captain Oates decided that he didn't want his biscuits
His decision to nip out was made independently.
John Snow ignored convention and deduced the source of cholera
He saved lives and invented epidemiology
The world wide web was invented in one office in Switzerland
Fox hunting is illegal partly 'cause of the Hunt Sabs
Einstein had a full-time job when he was first published
Mike Nesmith's mum invented Tippex at home in the bath

They listened to their hearts
Which said: the only way to start is to start
So let's start:

We're gonna do-do-do-do do it ourselves
We're gonna do-do-do-do do it ourselves
They didn't wait for The Man
To tell them all right, you can
They went and did it - they did it themselves

Ladies and Gentleman, boys and girls, thank you very much for coming to see Total Hero Team, starring Mr Steven Hewitt...
And the international Rock Star MJ Hibbett!
We hope you enjoyed it, and in case you were wondering what happened next – here's what happened next!
Chester Champion inspired a whole range of local independent pubs, destroying Weatherspoons forever!
IT Guy went on to become a hero to millions by creating a version of iTunes that actually works.
The Woman-Droid is doing Strictly this year..
And The United Statesman is in the audience for every episode.
Smart Alex now runs a Doctor Who fansite.
And Boris Johnson became the next leader of the Conservative Party.
And, within a week, the final leader of the Conservative Party.
And Fufu The Future Kitten... will be back to try again the same time tomorrow.



We're gonna do-do-do-do do it ourselves
We're gonna do-do-do-do do it ourselves
And if you enjoyed the show
Please tell people that you know
Because we did it - we did it ourselves!
Track Name: Buttering No Parsnips (bonus track)
My dad sat in his favourite chair
When my mother fell through the roof
She fell asleep in the bath and she'd left all the taps
Fully on what a thing to do
They both sat there and argued
For over half an hour
When I came round they'd nearly drowned so I went and fetched a towel

I said you're buttering no parsnips!
You're not helping no-one
Get a bucket and mop, turn the stopcock off
And I'll put the kettle on!

Now my friend Kev's on the hard left
And he wants to smash the state
So imagine his glee when I told him we
Were off to demonstrate
He printed some newspapers
But by the time he'd got them done
The march had marched, we'd left the park, and the conservatives had won

I said you're buttering no parsnips
You're helping no-one chuck
Just change the date and they'll be great
Next time we're kettled up

You see complaining
Won't stop it raining
But being jolly
Might make someone share their brolly
Moaning!
Won't make the phone ring
But if you're mirthful
It might widen your social circle

If you think we live
In a dreadful dreary world
Why'd you want to go and make it
Any flipping worse?

It's buttering no parsnips
So why not have some fun?
Cheer up duck
It'll all be good
I'll put the kettle on!
Track Name: I Dream Of Superheroes (bonus track)
I dream of superheroes
I dream of flight
I dream of mask, ensignia
Team-ups, capes and fights

I dream of superheroes
I dream of strength
Atomic battles, Robot pals
Symbols, suits and fights again

I wish I had a secret identity
Even more secret than it is now
I wish I had an emblem that said who I am
I wish I had special powers

I dream of superheroes
I dream of escape
From being entirely unexceptional
From being exactly the same

I wish I'd been selected by an alien
I wish I had a magic word
I wish that I'd been born in another galaxy
Instead of a maternity ward

I dream of superheroes
I doubt they dream of me
I dream of being something
I could never be
Track Name: All About The Booty (bonus track)
Booty! Booty!
All about the booty!

I've been looking at the sum of all man's endeavour
I thought that it might make me clever
But all I've got from human history
Is feeling slightly frisky

Booty! Booty!
All about the booty!

Everything we ever do
Has a motivation that's rather rude
We've conquered space and knocked down countries
Just for a little bit of rumpy pumpy

Booty! Booty!
All about the booty!

Science!
Booty
Art!
Booty
Religion!
Booty
Music
Booty
The constant questioning of the universe!
It's all about the Booty

Booty!