The Lost Tape

by MJ Hibbett

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1.
Elmer the happy little bottle opener Elmer the happy little bottle opener Elmer the happy little bottle opener Elmer the happy little bottle opener Was it Champagne or a bottle of Chardonnay? Tell me Elmer, what have you been opening today? Elmer the happy little bottle opener Elmer the happy little bottle opener Elmer the happy little bottle opener Elmer the happy little bottle opener Was it a bottle of beer or some lovely Muscadet? Tell me Elmer, what have you been opening today? Elmer the happy little bottle opener Elmer the happy little bottle opener Elmer the happy little bottle opener Elmer the happy little bottle opener One day Elmer the happy bottle opener came home from work. He was very tired. "I am very tired" he said to his wife, Mrs Bottle Opener. She asked, lovingly. "Well Mrs Bottle Opener", he replied, for he always called her Mrs Bottle - it was one of their little jokes - "All day long I've been opening bottles of this, opening bottles of that. Quite frankly I'm absolutely bushed." Said his wife. "No", said Elmer, "Why is that?" She laughed. "You know, you might just be right," smiled Elmer. "I know, why don't we open up a bottle of our own, just to celebrate, together?" Said his wife, and together they went upstairs. Goodnight Elmer the happy little bottle opener, goodnight Mrs Bottle Opener. Goodnight everybody else. Elmer the happy little bottle opener Elmer the happy little bottle opener Elmer the happy little bottle opener Elmer the happy little bottle opener
2.
Funky machine coming after me Funky machine coming after me Funky machine coming after me Funky machine coming after me I love you Tower above you I love you Because I am a... Funky machine Funky machine That's right. Funky machine Funky machine I am a funky machine Come on baby Know what I mean? I am a Funky machine Funky machine Funky machine Funky machine Funky machine coming after me Funky machine coming after me I love you Tower above you Can't get enough of you Because I am a... Funky machine Funky machine Funky machine Funky machine Funky machine coming after me Funky machine coming after me Funky machine coming after me Funky machine coming after me
3.
I've been hanging around Hanging around in the place where I live And I know it's cool to hang around I've been going to town Going to town in the place where I live And I know it's cool to hang around People say that I should get out more And not stay in But you know that it is where you're at Not where you've been Hanging around Hanging around Hanging around, yeah Hanging around Hanging around Hanging around, yeah And I know it's cool
4.
Why don't you come back to my bedroom Where you know I will do you no harm? Why don't you come back to my life And then lie in the love of my arms? The first time I saw you I adored you Though I only saw you from afar How could I know, for a lifetime It would be you who was breaking my heart? Why don't you come back to my bedroom Where you know I will do you no harm? Why don't you come back to my life And be there in the love of my arms? The time that we spent here together Were the best times that I ever had I thought that our love would last forever I never knew a good love could turn bad Why don't you come back to my bedroom Where you know I will do you no harm? Why don't you come back to my life And be there in the love of my arms? Why don't you come back to my bedroom Where you know I can do you no harm? Why don't you come back to my life And there lie in the love of my arms? Why don't you come back to my bedroom Where you know I can do you no harm? Why don't you come back to my life And there lie in the love of Lie in the love of Lie in the love of my arms?
5.
Rinky Dinky 03:20
Everything's turning lovely Everything's turning nice Everything's turning abso-bloody-lutely out all right Everything is gorgeous Everything is brill Isn't it all a super dupey lovey big old thrill? Rinky dinky dinky dinky dah doo Rinky dinky dinky dinky dah die Rinky dinky dinky dinky doo dah dah day Rinky dinky dinky dinky dah doo Rinky dinky dinky dinky dah die Rinky dinky dinky dinky doo dah dah day It's all so appealing It's all rather ace How I love the moon and stars and spacemen up in space I really love your perfume Have you just had your hair cut? Kiss my ass you limey ass Kiss my bony white butt Rinky dinky dinky dinky dah doo Rinky dinky dinky dinky dah die Rinky dinky dinky dinky doo dah dah day Rinky dinky dinky dinky dah doo Rinky dinky dinky dinky dah die Rinky dinky dinky dinky doo dah dah day Everything is turning out OK Everything is wonderful today If I could say what I want to say I'd say rinky dinky dinky dinky doo dah dah day Rinky dinky dinky dinky dah die Rinky dinky dinky dinky dah doo Rinky dinky dinky dinky doo dah dah day Rinky dinky dinky dinky dah doo Rinky dinky dinky dinky dah die Rinky dinky dinky dinky doo dah dah day
6.
You think i'm indecisive But i wouldn't want to say I think i'm more decisive Than i was yesterday Or maybe that's just hindsight And it's not really true So we'll say i'm indecisive If that's all right with you You say i'm crass and vulgar But that's also not true If i was to make love with you Do you know what i would do? I'd send a bunch of flowers And the card attached would say "Thank you for the smashing shag You slag, Wahey!" You say i end abruptly And that's fair enough.
7.
Clean Girl 01:58
I don't want a girl who's loose and flirty That kind of girl to me is quite obscene I don't want a girl who's talking dirty All I want's a girl who's clean I want a Clean Girl (clean girl) Clean Girl (clean girl) All I want's a girl who's clean I want a Clean Girl (clean girl) Clean Girl (clean girl) All I want's a girl who's clean I don't want a girl who's mean and moody I don't want a girl who's ever rude All i want's a girl who's feeling broody And does her skinny dipping in the nude I want a Clean Girl (clean girl) Clean Girl (clean girl) All I want's a girl who's clean I want a Clean Girl (clean girl) Clean Girl (clean girl) All I want's a girl who's clean
8.
Baker's Dozen It's a Baker's Dozen Baker's Dozen It's a Baker's Dozen Sarah, Sally, Annie and Gill (somebody) and Bob And Benny the Dog as well It's just a one two three four five six seven eight nine ten eleven twelve It's a Baker's Dozen Baker's Dozen Baker's Dozen It's a Baker's Dozen You've been listening to Baker's Dozen Recorded live in our London Studio The Producer was Dan Pattison Baker's Dozen It's a Baker's Dozen Baker's Dozen It's a Baker's Dozen Baker's Dozen
9.
Do you remember where it was or what we played That night when we did our first gig? I hovered in mid-air for most of the next day I was convinced we were on to something big Those were the days When doing this meant everything Those were the days When doing this meant everything We sent our demoes off with photograph attached We saw the source of the M1 Each new year's eve believed our time had come at last Each night we hoped this gig would be The One Those were the days When doing this meant everything Those were the days When doing this meant everything Those were the days When doing this meant everything Those were the days When doing this meant everything But now we're back and nothing's changed except the names Of sixth form bands who sit above us on the bill In their faces there's no space to fail in The dream is still the same We should know better But I hope we never will Those were the days When doing this meant everything Those were the days When doing this meant everything These are the days Of knowing it's not everything Not everything Not everything Not everything
10.
Clare Grogan 03:13
Clare Grogan Clare Grogan Clare Grogan Clare Grogan Clare Grogan Clare Grogan Clare Grogan Clare Grogan Clare Grogan Clare Grogan Clare Grogan Clare Grogan Clare Grogan Clare Grogan Clare Grogan Clare Grogan
11.
Why hasn't your email come in Why hasn't your email come in I keep pressing refresh But nothing's happened up yet Oh tell me, why hasn't your email come in? I'm sitting here afeared of doing work I'm neither eager, keyed up nor alert It's twee maybe but true I need to hear from you So tell me, why hasn't your email come in? I've checked connections, cleared the ports and then I've rebooted and reinstalled the modem I've logged in and logged out But my inbox still says nowt Oh tell me, why hasn't your email come in? My heart leaps as I hear a ping, a mesage has arrived! It's hot wet teens who want me to delete half my hard drive A confidential Kenyan selling girth increasing drugs When all I want's a message from the woman that I love I'll write a slightly irate message that's Complaining of your lack of writing back When suddenly I'll see That last message from me Is in my outbox unsent looking back That's why your email's not come in Let's let message two get swept into the bin The first one's swiftly sent I wait five minutes, then I see your lovely email coming in Thank you for the email coming in My face breaks out into a silly grin I love the words you writ I'm sorry I was thick And thank you for the emails coming in
12.
Every week in Sunday papers Some silly sod is bound to say That the fact that British High Streets Have the same national chains Means that all our city centres Are now utterly the same It seems that life within the M25 Gives you brand names on the brain Because they say that City Centres All look the same Because our modern city centres Have been taken over by shopping chains Lift your mind beyond the signs Of the franchises and you'll find That the hills and stone of Sheffield (for instance) Are no way alike To Peterborough's bricks and flatness Or to Truro or to Milton Keynes Even though they've all got Marks & Spencers Boots and Body Shop and HMV Yet you say that City Centres All look the same Because our modern city centres Have been taken over by shopping chains Go get a book and look At the city 90 years ago You'll find it in the Local History section Of Smiths or Waterstones The architecture's lasted, the street layout's the same The weather and geography all remain Only names on shopfronts And moustaches have been changed Yet they say that City Centres They all look the same I think it's you that's turning Mental You've been taken over by shopping chains And if you think that City Centres They all look the same I think it's you that's turning Mental You've been taken over by shopping chains
13.
Take a complicated idea And make the underlying point of it clear Compress it down to fit in memory Now tell me what's the difference Between programming and poetry? Programming is a poetry for our... Programming is a poetry for our time Indenting every line Sorted into stanzas so that you can find Selected lines to quote or just a phrase to paste Into the epics that live underneath The Web and Word and Databases Programming is a poetry for our time It's a poetry for our time I wonder would Wordsworth have written in Perl? Would Keats have used Notepad for HTML? I reckon Byron would see The irony Of writing words to change the world that we Can't live without but no-one ever sees Programming is a poetry for our... Programming is a poetry for our time And even though it doesn't rhyme The syntax of a JavaScript will often be sublime And though the poets now don't have the glamorous style Of the poets of the past they didn't either when alive Programming is a poetry for our time It's a poetry for our time The river running beneath our lives Is a poetry for our time
14.
Martin works in Mark's and Spencers Sharon stocks up cash dispensers Mary married a man who hears Voices in his head Your mate Brian knocks down buildings Sean and Sally had six children I'm ensconced in academia And you, you're still in bed But do you remember when we'd go to town Meet our friends and hang around And talk about what we'd like to be? We slowly went our separate ways Meeting up on holidays To talk about the way it used to be Our headmaster's back in prison Peter plays for the first division No-one's heard from Fred Sexy Sadie's put on weight Michael's working in Kuwait Billy Jones is dead And do you remember when we'd go to town Meet our friends and hang around And talk about what we'd like to be? We slowly went our separate ways Meeting up on holidays To talk about the way it used to be You said that you'd be famous and drive a flashy car I thought that I would be the first man on Mars But you couldn't pay your insurance and had to sell your guitar And I'm stuck in the Midlands I guess I didn't get too far No I didn't get too far No I didn't get too far But do you remember when we'd go to town Meet our friends and hang around And talk about what we'd like to be? We slowly went our separate ways Meeting up on holidays To talk about the way it used to be
15.
England are a team of virtuous Saints They exercise super-human restraint Their gentlemanly conduct leaves the opposition feeling moved They'll never swear and they'll never frown They'll never ever claim that they were wrongly taken down And maybe you might say that that's the reason they always lose. But we'll win the Fair Play Trophy once again. Because it's the team that's the nicest that's the one that actually wins We'll get the Fair Play Trophy once again, and face the final in the pub with a pint and a cheesy grin. I really hope that we get through the groups If they manage that i don't care what they do If we get beat by Mozambique then you won't see me cry We could get thrashed by Holland or Spain Or get knocked out on penalties by Germany again But as long as we keep that stiff upper lip flying high We'll get the Fair Play Trophy once again. Because it's the team that's the nicest that's the one that actually wins We'll get the Fair Play Trophy once again, and face the final in the pub with a pint and a cheesy grin. And if we get to the final and win No matter what terrible drunken state we're in We will take back the Jules Rimet And as a Nation we will say: We want the Fair Play Trophy once again. Because it's the team that's the nicest that's the one that actually wins Give us the Fair Play Trophy once again, and we'll face the final in the pub with a pint and a cheesy grin
16.
England are a team of virtuous Saints They exercise super-human restraint Their gentlemanly conduct leaves the opposition feeling moved They'll never swear and they'll never frown They'll never ever claim that they were wrongly taken down And maybe you might say that's the reason they always lose. But we'll get the Fair Play Trophy once again. Because it's the team that's the nicest that's the one that actually wins We want the Fair Play Trophy once again And we'll face the final in the pub with a pint and a cheesy grin. Losing in the last sixteen's all right with me But I'd be perturbed if we came third behind the Swedes If we get as far as Niggata you won't see me cry If we're beaten by the Belgians or the Argentine Decide to make us look like regulars in Sunday five-a-side As long as we keep that stiff upper lip flying high We'll get the Fair Play Trophy once again. Because it's the team that's the nicest that's the one that actually wins We want the Fair Play Trophy once again And we'll face the final in the pub with a pint and a cheesy grin. If we get to the final and win No matter what terrible drunken state we're in We will take back the Jules Rimet (or whatever it's called these days) And as a Nation we will say: Give us the Fair Play Trophy once again Because it's the team that's the nicest that's the one that actually wins We want the Fair Play Trophy once again, and we'll face the final in the pub with a pint and a cheesy grin So don't you worry about Beckham's foot Our boys are gonna play it by the book It doesn't matter who's in bed with Sven We're gonna get the Fair Play Trophy again Fair Play Trophy once again Because it's the team that's the nicest that's the one that actually wins We want the Fair Play Trophy once again And we'll face the final in the pub with a pint and a cheesy grin
17.
18.
England are a team of virtuous Saints They exercise super-human restraint Their gentlemanly conduct leaves the opposition feeling moved They'll never swear and they'll never frown They'll never ever claim that they were wrongly taken down Maybe you might say that's the reason they always lose. But we'll get the Fair Play Trophy once again. Because it's the team that's the nicest that's the one that actually wins We want the Fair Play Trophy once again And we'll face the final in the pub with a pint and a cheesy grin. I really hope that we get through the groups If they manage that i don't care what they do If we get beat by Belgique then you won't see me cry We could get thrashed by Holland or Spain Or get knocked out on penalties by Germany again As long as we keep that stiff upper lip flying high Then we'll get the Fair Play Trophy once again. Because it's the team that's the nicest that's the one that actually wins We want the Fair Play Trophy once again And we'll face the final in the pub with a pint and a cheesy grin. And if we get to the final and win No matter what terrible drunken state we're in We will take back to the UEFA (or whatever they're called these days) And as a Nation we will say: Give us the Fair Play Trophy once again Because it's the team that's the nicest that's the one that actually wins We want the Fair Play Trophy once again And we'll face the final in the pub with a pint and a cheesy grin Test me for banned substances! Give us a pint, give us a pub, give us a grin, give us the Fair Play Trophy once again Because it's the team that's the nicest that's the one that actually wins We want the Fair Play Trophy once again And we'll face the final in the pub with a pint and a cheesy grin We'll face the final in the pub with a pint and a cheesy grin

about

After recording The Thoughts Of Chairman Hibbett I wanted to make a MIGHTY CHANGE in my songwriting, and try and write stuff that was more relevant to me myself and a bit less silly. Unfortunately I had LOADS of really daft ideas stuck in my head, so at some point in 1997 between that tape and What's So Bad About Being A Grown-Up I went up into my Attic and recorded 15 songs, mostly made up as I went along, and put them onto a taped labelled "The Perky Tape", because that's what most of them were like.

Several years later, whilst digging around for demo versions to put on the multimedia for Shed Anthems I found this tape and played it to The Sand On My Shoreline, who thought some of them were quite jolly. I sent a copy to Mr Frankie Machine to see what he thought and, though he generally agreed, he suggested that perhaps a few of them were a bit TOO "perky" for general consumption and maybe I could burn them, or at least bury them deep underground.

Thus I took out a third of the songs and retitled them as "The Lost Tape" because, really, it had been, and stuck it onto the multimedia. Eight years after THAT I had a listen and thought "Some of those are all right... some aren't but what the heck! Let's put them up for people to hear!"

And LO. I did.

credits

released June 7, 2004

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MJ Hibbett & The Validators London, UK

MJ Hibbett & The Validators have performed live on Radio One, had a Record Of The Year in Rolling Stone, an Album Of The Day on 6Music, released one of the first ever viral videos, toured the UK and Europe, featured in an Edinburgh Fringe Festival show, and recorded a science fiction rock opera, all while maintaining their complete independence from outside record labels. ... more

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