The Lost Tape

by MJ Hibbett

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about

After recording The Thoughts Of Chairman Hibbett I wanted to make a MIGHTY CHANGE in my songwriting, and try and write stuff that was more relevant to me myself and a bit less silly. Unfortunately I had LOADS of really daft ideas stuck in my head, so at some point in 1997 between that tape and What's So Bad About Being A Grown-Up I went up into my Attic and recorded 15 songs, mostly made up as I went along, and put them onto a taped labelled "The Perky Tape", because that's what most of them were like.

Several years later, whilst digging around for demo versions to put on the multimedia for Shed Anthems I found this tape and played it to The Sand On My Shoreline, who thought some of them were quite jolly. I sent a copy to Mr Frankie Machine to see what he thought and, though he generally agreed, he suggested that perhaps a few of them were a bit TOO "perky" for general consumption and maybe I could burn them, or at least bury them deep underground.

Thus I took out a third of the songs and retitled them as "The Lost Tape" because, really, it had been, and stuck it onto the multimedia. Eight years after THAT I had a listen and thought "Some of those are all right... some aren't but what the heck! Let's put them up for people to hear!"

And LO. I did.

credits

released 07 June 2004

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Track Name: Elmer The Happy Little Bottle Opener
Elmer the happy little bottle opener
Elmer the happy little bottle opener
Elmer the happy little bottle opener
Elmer the happy little bottle opener

Was it Champagne or a bottle of Chardonnay?
Tell me Elmer, what have you been opening today?

Elmer the happy little bottle opener
Elmer the happy little bottle opener
Elmer the happy little bottle opener
Elmer the happy little bottle opener

Was it a bottle of beer or some lovely Muscadet?
Tell me Elmer, what have you been opening today?

Elmer the happy little bottle opener
Elmer the happy little bottle opener
Elmer the happy little bottle opener
Elmer the happy little bottle opener

One day Elmer the happy bottle opener came home from work. He was very tired. "I am very tired" he said to his wife, Mrs Bottle Opener.

She asked, lovingly.

"Well Mrs Bottle Opener", he replied, for he always called her Mrs Bottle - it was one of their little jokes - "All day long I've been opening bottles of this, opening bottles of that. Quite frankly I'm absolutely bushed."

Said his wife.

"No", said Elmer, "Why is that?"

She laughed.

"You know, you might just be right," smiled Elmer. "I know, why don't we open up a bottle of our own, just to celebrate, together?"

Said his wife, and together they went upstairs.

Goodnight Elmer the happy little bottle opener, goodnight Mrs Bottle Opener. Goodnight everybody else.

Elmer the happy little bottle opener
Elmer the happy little bottle opener
Elmer the happy little bottle opener
Elmer the happy little bottle opener
Track Name: Funky Machine
Funky machine coming after me
Funky machine coming after me
Funky machine coming after me
Funky machine coming after me

I love you
Tower above you
I love you
Because I am a...

Funky machine
Funky machine
That's right.
Funky machine
Funky machine

I am a funky machine
Come on baby
Know what I mean?
I am a
Funky machine
Funky machine
Funky machine
Funky machine

Funky machine coming after me
Funky machine coming after me

I love you
Tower above you
Can't get enough of you
Because I am a...
Funky machine
Funky machine
Funky machine
Funky machine

Funky machine coming after me
Funky machine coming after me
Funky machine coming after me
Funky machine coming after me
Track Name: Hanging Around
I've been hanging around
Hanging around in the place where I live
And I know it's cool to hang around

I've been going to town
Going to town in the place where I live
And I know it's cool to hang around

People say that I should get out more
And not stay in
But you know that it is where you're at
Not where you've been

Hanging around
Hanging around
Hanging around, yeah

Hanging around
Hanging around
Hanging around, yeah

And I know it's cool
Track Name: Love Of My Arms
Why don't you come back to my bedroom
Where you know I will do you no harm?
Why don't you come back to my life
And then lie in the love of my arms?

The first time I saw you I adored you
Though I only saw you from afar
How could I know, for a lifetime
It would be you who was breaking my heart?

Why don't you come back to my bedroom
Where you know I will do you no harm?
Why don't you come back to my life
And be there in the love of my arms?

The time that we spent here together
Were the best times that I ever had
I thought that our love would last forever
I never knew a good love could turn bad

Why don't you come back to my bedroom
Where you know I will do you no harm?
Why don't you come back to my life
And be there in the love of my arms?

Why don't you come back to my bedroom
Where you know I can do you no harm?
Why don't you come back to my life
And there lie in the love of my arms?

Why don't you come back to my bedroom
Where you know I can do you no harm?
Why don't you come back to my life
And there lie in the love of
Lie in the love of
Lie in the love of my arms?
Track Name: Rinky Dinky
Everything's turning lovely
Everything's turning nice
Everything's turning abso-bloody-lutely out all right
Everything is gorgeous
Everything is brill
Isn't it all a super dupey lovey big old thrill?

Rinky dinky dinky dinky dah doo
Rinky dinky dinky dinky dah die
Rinky dinky dinky dinky doo dah dah day
Rinky dinky dinky dinky dah doo
Rinky dinky dinky dinky dah die
Rinky dinky dinky dinky doo dah dah day

It's all so appealing
It's all rather ace
How I love the moon and stars and spacemen up in space
I really love your perfume
Have you just had your hair cut?
Kiss my ass you limey ass
Kiss my bony white butt

Rinky dinky dinky dinky dah doo
Rinky dinky dinky dinky dah die
Rinky dinky dinky dinky doo dah dah day
Rinky dinky dinky dinky dah doo
Rinky dinky dinky dinky dah die
Rinky dinky dinky dinky doo dah dah day

Everything is turning out OK
Everything is wonderful today
If I could say what I want to say
I'd say rinky dinky dinky dinky doo dah dah day

Rinky dinky dinky dinky dah die
Rinky dinky dinky dinky dah doo
Rinky dinky dinky dinky doo dah dah day
Rinky dinky dinky dinky dah doo
Rinky dinky dinky dinky dah die
Rinky dinky dinky dinky doo dah dah day
Track Name: Maybe I'm Indecisive
You think i'm indecisive
But i wouldn't want to say
I think i'm more decisive
Than i was yesterday
Or maybe that's just hindsight
And it's not really true
So we'll say i'm indecisive
If that's all right with you

You say i'm crass and vulgar
But that's also not true
If i was to make love with you
Do you know what i would do?
I'd send a bunch of flowers
And the card attached would say
"Thank you for the smashing shag
You slag, Wahey!"

You say i end abruptly
And that's fair enough.
Track Name: Clean Girl
I don't want a girl who's loose and flirty
That kind of girl to me is quite obscene
I don't want a girl who's talking dirty
All I want's a girl who's clean

I want a Clean Girl (clean girl)
Clean Girl (clean girl)
All I want's a girl who's clean
I want a Clean Girl (clean girl)
Clean Girl (clean girl)
All I want's a girl who's clean

I don't want a girl who's mean and moody
I don't want a girl who's ever rude
All i want's a girl who's feeling broody
And does her skinny dipping in the nude

I want a Clean Girl (clean girl)
Clean Girl (clean girl)
All I want's a girl who's clean
I want a Clean Girl (clean girl)
Clean Girl (clean girl)
All I want's a girl who's clean
Track Name: Baker's Dozen
Baker's Dozen
It's a Baker's Dozen
Baker's Dozen
It's a Baker's Dozen

Sarah, Sally, Annie and Gill
(somebody) and Bob
And Benny the Dog as well
It's just a one two three four
five six seven eight
nine ten eleven twelve

It's a Baker's Dozen
Baker's Dozen
Baker's Dozen
It's a Baker's Dozen

You've been listening to Baker's Dozen
Recorded live in our London Studio
The Producer was Dan Pattison

Baker's Dozen
It's a Baker's Dozen
Baker's Dozen
It's a Baker's Dozen
Baker's Dozen
Track Name: Not Everything
Do you remember where it was or what we played
That night when we did our first gig?
I hovered in mid-air for most of the next day
I was convinced we were on to something big

Those were the days
When doing this meant everything
Those were the days
When doing this meant everything

We sent our demoes off with photograph attached
We saw the source of the M1
Each new year's eve believed our time had come at last
Each night we hoped this gig would be The One

Those were the days
When doing this meant everything
Those were the days
When doing this meant everything

Those were the days
When doing this meant everything
Those were the days
When doing this meant everything

But now we're back and nothing's changed except the names
Of sixth form bands who sit above us on the bill
In their faces there's no space to fail in
The dream is still the same
We should know better
But I hope we never will

Those were the days
When doing this meant everything
Those were the days
When doing this meant everything
These are the days
Of knowing it's not everything
Not everything
Not everything
Not everything
Track Name: Clare Grogan
Clare Grogan
Clare Grogan
Clare Grogan
Clare Grogan

Clare Grogan
Clare Grogan
Clare Grogan
Clare Grogan

Clare Grogan
Clare Grogan
Clare Grogan
Clare Grogan

Clare Grogan
Clare Grogan
Clare Grogan
Clare Grogan
Track Name: Why Hasn't Your Email Come In?
Why hasn't your email come in
Why hasn't your email come in
I keep pressing refresh
But nothing's happened up yet
Oh tell me, why hasn't your email come in?

I'm sitting here afeared of doing work
I'm neither eager, keyed up nor alert
It's twee maybe but true
I need to hear from you
So tell me, why hasn't your email come in?

I've checked connections, cleared the ports and then
I've rebooted and reinstalled the modem
I've logged in and logged out
But my inbox still says nowt
Oh tell me, why hasn't your email come in?

My heart leaps as I hear a ping, a mesage has arrived!
It's hot wet teens who want me to delete half my hard drive
A confidential Kenyan selling girth increasing drugs
When all I want's a message from the woman that I love

I'll write a slightly irate message that's
Complaining of your lack of writing back
When suddenly I'll see
That last message from me
Is in my outbox unsent looking back

That's why your email's not come in
Let's let message two get swept into the bin
The first one's swiftly sent
I wait five minutes, then
I see your lovely email coming in

Thank you for the email coming in
My face breaks out into a silly grin
I love the words you writ
I'm sorry I was thick
And thank you for the emails coming in
Track Name: City Centres (demo)
Every week in Sunday papers
Some silly sod is bound to say
That the fact that British High Streets
Have the same national chains
Means that all our city centres
Are now utterly the same
It seems that life within the M25
Gives you brand names on the brain

Because they say that City Centres
All look the same
Because our modern city centres
Have been taken over by shopping chains

Lift your mind beyond the signs
Of the franchises and you'll find
That the hills and stone of Sheffield (for instance)
Are no way alike
To Peterborough's bricks and flatness
Or to Truro or to Milton Keynes
Even though they've all got Marks & Spencers
Boots and Body Shop and HMV

Yet you say that City Centres
All look the same
Because our modern city centres
Have been taken over by shopping chains

Go get a book and look
At the city 90 years ago
You'll find it in the Local History section
Of Smiths or Waterstones
The architecture's lasted, the street layout's the same
The weather and geography all remain
Only names on shopfronts
And moustaches have been changed

Yet they say that City Centres
They all look the same
I think it's you that's turning Mental
You've been taken over by shopping chains

And if you think that City Centres
They all look the same
I think it's you that's turning Mental
You've been taken over by shopping chains
Track Name: Programming Is A Poetry For Our Times (demo)
Take a complicated idea
And make the underlying point of it clear
Compress it down to fit in memory
Now tell me what's the difference
Between programming and poetry?

Programming is a poetry for our...
Programming is a poetry for our time

Indenting every line
Sorted into stanzas so that you can find
Selected lines to quote or just a phrase to paste
Into the epics that live underneath
The Web and Word and Databases

Programming is a poetry for our time
It's a poetry for our time

I wonder would Wordsworth have written in Perl?
Would Keats have used Notepad for HTML?
I reckon Byron would see
The irony
Of writing words to change the world that we
Can't live without but no-one ever sees

Programming is a poetry for our...
Programming is a poetry for our time

And even though it doesn't rhyme
The syntax of a JavaScript will often be sublime
And though the poets now don't have the glamorous style
Of the poets of the past they didn't either when alive

Programming is a poetry for our time
It's a poetry for our time
The river running beneath our lives
Is a poetry for our time
Track Name: Billy Jones Is Dead (uk-indie tape version)
Martin works in Mark's and Spencers
Sharon stocks up cash dispensers
Mary married a man who hears
Voices in his head
Your mate Brian knocks down buildings
Sean and Sally had six children
I'm ensconced in academia
And you, you're still in bed

But do you remember when we'd go to town
Meet our friends and hang around
And talk about what we'd like to be?
We slowly went our separate ways
Meeting up on holidays
To talk about the way it used to be

Our headmaster's back in prison
Peter plays for the first division
No-one's heard from Fred
Sexy Sadie's put on weight
Michael's working in Kuwait
Billy Jones is dead

And do you remember when we'd go to town
Meet our friends and hang around
And talk about what we'd like to be?
We slowly went our separate ways
Meeting up on holidays
To talk about the way it used to be

You said that you'd be famous and drive a flashy car
I thought that I would be the first man on Mars
But you couldn't pay your insurance and had to sell your guitar
And I'm stuck in the Midlands
I guess I didn't get too far
No I didn't get too far
No I didn't get too far

But do you remember when we'd go to town
Meet our friends and hang around
And talk about what we'd like to be?
We slowly went our separate ways
Meeting up on holidays
To talk about the way it used to be
Track Name: The Fair Play Trophy (again) (1998)
England are a team of virtuous Saints
They exercise super-human restraint
Their gentlemanly conduct leaves the opposition feeling moved
They'll never swear and they'll never frown
They'll never ever claim that they were wrongly taken down
And maybe you might say that that's the reason they always lose.

But we'll win the Fair Play Trophy once again.
Because it's the team that's the nicest that's the one that actually wins
We'll get the Fair Play Trophy once again, and face the final in the pub with a pint and a cheesy grin.

I really hope that we get through the groups
If they manage that i don't care what they do
If we get beat by Mozambique then you won't see me cry
We could get thrashed by Holland or Spain
Or get knocked out on penalties by Germany again
But as long as we keep that stiff upper lip flying high

We'll get the Fair Play Trophy once again.
Because it's the team that's the nicest that's the one that actually wins
We'll get the Fair Play Trophy once again, and face the final in the pub with a pint and a cheesy grin.

And if we get to the final and win
No matter what terrible drunken state we're in
We will take back the Jules Rimet
And as a Nation we will say:

We want the Fair Play Trophy once again.
Because it's the team that's the nicest that's the one that actually wins
Give us the Fair Play Trophy once again, and we'll face the final in the pub with a pint and a cheesy grin
Track Name: The Fair Play Trophy (again) (2002)
England are a team of virtuous Saints
They exercise super-human restraint
Their gentlemanly conduct leaves the opposition feeling moved
They'll never swear and they'll never frown
They'll never ever claim that they were wrongly taken down
And maybe you might say that's the reason they always lose.

But we'll get the Fair Play Trophy once again.
Because it's the team that's the nicest that's the one that actually wins
We want the Fair Play Trophy once again And we'll face the final in the pub with a pint and a cheesy grin.

Losing in the last sixteen's all right with me But I'd be perturbed if we came third behind the Swedes If we get as far as Niggata you won't see me cry
If we're beaten by the Belgians or the Argentine Decide to make us look like regulars in Sunday five-a-side As long as we keep that stiff upper lip flying high

We'll get the Fair Play Trophy once again.
Because it's the team that's the nicest that's the one that actually wins
We want the Fair Play Trophy once again And we'll face the final in the pub with a pint and a cheesy grin.

If we get to the final and win
No matter what terrible drunken state we're in
We will take back the Jules Rimet (or whatever it's called these days)
And as a Nation we will say:

Give us the Fair Play Trophy once again
Because it's the team that's the nicest that's the one that actually wins
We want the Fair Play Trophy once again, and we'll face the final in the pub with a pint and a cheesy grin

So don't you worry about Beckham's foot
Our boys are gonna play it by the book
It doesn't matter who's in bed with Sven
We're gonna get the Fair Play Trophy again

Fair Play Trophy once again
Because it's the team that's the nicest that's the one that actually wins
We want the Fair Play Trophy once again
And we'll face the final in the pub with a pint and a cheesy grin
Track Name: The Fair Play Trophy (again) (2004)
England are a team of virtuous Saints
They exercise super-human restraint
Their gentlemanly conduct leaves the opposition feeling moved
They'll never swear and they'll never frown
They'll never ever claim that they were wrongly taken down
Maybe you might say that's the reason they always lose.

But we'll get the Fair Play Trophy once again.
Because it's the team that's the nicest that's the one that actually wins
We want the Fair Play Trophy once again
And we'll face the final in the pub with a pint and a cheesy grin.

I really hope that we get through the groups
If they manage that i don't care what they do
If we get beat by Belgique then you won't see me cry
We could get thrashed by Holland or Spain
Or get knocked out on penalties by Germany again
As long as we keep that stiff upper lip flying high

Then we'll get the Fair Play Trophy once again.
Because it's the team that's the nicest that's the one that actually wins
We want the Fair Play Trophy once again
And we'll face the final in the pub with a pint and a cheesy grin.

And if we get to the final and win
No matter what terrible drunken state we're in
We will take back to the UEFA (or whatever they're called these days)
And as a Nation we will say:

Give us the Fair Play Trophy once again
Because it's the team that's the nicest that's the one that actually wins
We want the Fair Play Trophy once again
And we'll face the final in the pub with a pint and a cheesy grin

Test me for banned substances!

Give us a pint, give us a pub, give us a grin, give us the
Fair Play Trophy once again
Because it's the team that's the nicest that's the one that actually wins
We want the Fair Play Trophy once again
And we'll face the final in the pub with a pint and a cheesy grin

We'll face the final in the pub with a pint and a cheesy grin